Appendix B: Scenes from a British Pub

(No guarantees on the quality, so apologies to the inspiration; regardless, it has some charm. At least, I think so. Tell me if I'm wrong.
Free postcard for the first one to guess correctly who Michael & Betty are!)

A Guinness & rye, a bottle of Pimm’s,
Perhaps a Strongbow or some fish & chips.
On a sidewalk near the street
Standing on our shoehorned feet,
You and I, pint to pint.

A bottle of Pimm’s, a Guinness & rye,
It all depends on what your pounds will buy.
Cheer the top Premier League club
In our old-fashion Castle pub.

***

Things are okay with me these days.
I got a good job (inspired The Office!).
My partner is swell, the banks are not well,
but the family’s fine.
We lost touch long ago.
You moved away, I did not know
BBC could call you back after
So much time!

You remember that day hanging out on the Regent’s green?
Top button unfastened, collar popped, and tight blue jeans?
Hear the guy on the Tube play a song about ye olde Queen?
Warm beer (it's not light!), our hip romantic British night!

***

Michael & Betty were the popular steady
and the king & the queen of the squeeze,
Walking around with their three young kids
and their 32Cs.
Their surname could be “Moneymaker.”
Always more of a hit in The London Paper.
But we always knew they would want more than that out of life,
Sure that Michael & Betty would never know how to survive.

Michael & Betty had had it already
by the May of 2000 & 9.
Michael said, “Hey!” but Betty, “He's gay!
I swear, the horseman’s not mine.”
MP’s expenses were crazy,
The economy’s future looked much too hazy.
But the gossipers said, “Oh, my God!
How will Junior get by?”
Oh, I wish I could say to Michael & Betty, “Good-bye.”

But they got an apartment with deep pile carpet
On the front of the Mirror & Sun.
And Betty looked great, but Michael lost weight
They say ‘cuz he wanted his hun.
They started to fight over the custody right,
And the editors had all the fun!

They lived for a while in a very nice style
But it’s always the same in the end.
They got a divorce as a matter of course
And Betty hung out with her “friend.”
Then the king & his mate went back to page 8
But you can never go back there again!

Michael & Betty, I’ve had it already
By July of 2000 & 9.
But the papers still go, oh! the photos they’ll show
For the rest of their lives.
Couldn’t go back to the hard news
Best they could do was report on the loo-loos.
We always knew they would all find a way to get by.
So, that’s all I’ll sing about Michael & Betty.
Can’t tell you more, ‘cuz really, it’s petty.
And here I am, wavin’ Michael & Betty good-bye!

***

A bottle of Pimm’s, a Guinness & rye.
Whatever kind of drunk you want tonight.
Why would you want to go to a club,
When here we have our Castle pub?